Why Active Listening Is the Most Underrated Sales and Leadership Skill

When I give keynote speeches or do a training session, one of my favorite moments is when I get to why I believe that being a great listener is the most important skill to have. I tell everyone that I’m going to ask a question and then I’m going to pause as they think about the answer for a moment.

Then I ask them to think about the best listener they have ever experienced.

I tell them I bet that they have a high opinion of that person, don’t they? Because what happens when we feel listened to? We feel seen, respected, understood – all things we should want our conversational partners, no matter who they are, to feel when speaking with us.

Yet active listening – really being present and processing what someone is saying – is one of the hardest skills I teach. That’s because we tend to listen with an intention to reply, not to understand. We get the gist of what someone is saying and then we go back into our minds and think about the anecdote, opinion, or another kind of reply that we are excited to share.

But I’m in the business of teaching people how to influence, persuade, and connect. So I urge them to put aside how their mind is pushing them to reply and instead ask a clarification question. Get that person to continue to talk and focus on them.

Natural Impediments to Active Listening

Don’t feel too bad about it if you don’t think you are a great listener. Our evolution has in many ways conditioned us to behave this way. There are many examples of this and complex reasons behind it, but I’ll just share some details about two of these natural impediments.

A Controversial Ratio

Many experts believe that up to 90% of our listening is through body language and tone of voice. That leaves only 10% of comprehension being done through the actual words someone is sharing with us. That’s amazing! But it’s also controversial as many experts differ on exactly how high that proportion is. But it is generally agreed that well more than half of our comprehension works in this way.

I could prove it to you by saying a sentence in a simple, calm manner. Then I could say the same sentence while shouting and waving my arms. They would feel totally different, right? Our mind is processing so many things; the words are just one of the ways we are receiving information.

Our Prehistoric Roots

Another interesting fact is that we comprehend roughly 40% faster than our ability to speak. That comes from our evolution.

When primitive man was surveying the savannah for things that he could kill and eat and for things that might want to kill and eat him, he needed to understand what his compatriot was trying to communicate to him. This is when language first started appearing and that’s how our comprehension was formed.

It’s easy to see this at work today. How many times have you been talking to someone and finished their sentence for them? That’s because you knew where they were going with what they were trying to communicate before they could even finish saying it.

The fact that we are listening to so much else beyond the words someone is saying, and that we are dealing with a mind that is rushing ahead of itself rather than staying in the moment are things we must overcome. By becoming aware of them you can start that journey towards growing your active listening practice.

The Spy as Confidant

Not all spies are naturally good listeners. Many of them are introverts who naturally are comfortable listening more than they speak. But many others are gregarious raconteurs and have had to train themselves to become elite active listeners.

A spy might have only a few minutes with someone, and they need to carefully gather all the information they can from that person’s words. They are always trying to continue the trust-building side of a relationship, and nothing helps develop that trust more than solid eye-contact, calm body language, and focusing on what their agent is trying to communicate.

The Business of Listening

Whether you are trying to build a relationship with a prospect, grow one with a client, or improve one with your colleagues, listening is the best path. People seek comfort in others and if we find someone makes us feel understood, we are inclined to feel good about that person. Listening is also the pathway to the other key elements of tradecraft that spies and other government officials rely on. Elicitation, mirroring, radical empathy, intellectual curiosity, and so much else all flow from simply listening.

It’s the simplest yet hardest part of any good communicator.

Can you be someone’s best listener?

If you'd like Jeremy to teach these active listening techniques to your team, contact him here to discuss a keynote or training session