Why Vulnerability Is a Spy's Secret Weapon — And What It Means for Your Team

The Myth of the Emotionless Spy

One of the biggest misconceptions about spies is that they always lie about who they are and they never show their true selves. When you get to know these individuals and learn about how they get to yes in recruiting their agents, you notice that spies pull deeply from within very personal sides of themselves in order to forge the tight bonds needed to do the often dangerous work they are engaged in.

Official Cover vs. Non-Official Cover (NOC)

It is true that spies often live undercover. Often this is “official cover” – for instance, someone works out of a U.S. embassy overseas as an employee of the State Department, but really they are a CIA case officer. Less frequently they have what is known as “non-official cover (NOC)” – they are, for instance, a business consultant in, say, the aerospace industry, but actually they are also a CIA case officer. 

No matter the cover they operate under, that spy must pull emotions and often real experience from their own life to connect deeply with their agent to form the bonds needed to succeed in their challenging work. This is a blueprint that all of us can follow to have more meaningful connections with people in all areas of our lives. 

"Me You Same Same" — Why Vulnerability Builds Trust

Vulnerability is one of the most powerful ways to connect with someone. Vulnerability breeds humanity and that leads to intimacy and stronger connections. When we share things about ourselves, people tend to also share about themselves, and it draws us closer. Ultimately, the goal of a spy can be boiled down to what one former NOC case officer told me is “me you same same.” You are trying to show the person you seek a connection with that you are like them. 

Vulnerability is powerful because while not every person experiences tragedy we all understand misfortune. Human beings seek comfort and we want to provide comfort. Making yourself vulnerable, when done appropriately, will draw your target closer to you.

One spy in my book, Sell Like a Spy, was based in a variety of locations in the Middle East. He has a son on the autism spectrum, and he would share that detail about his family when he was getting to know an agent. Nearly every spy has a similar story of using real aspects of their life and personality to connect with their agents.

I have a story I share with readers and audiences that I think powerfully demonstrates this human tendency as well.

A Personal Story of Vulnerability

I had a brain tumor in the early 2010s. It was fortunately benign, but it was choking the auditory nerve in my right ear. The long and complex surgery to remove the tumor has left me deaf in my right ear. That has changed how I move through the world. For instance, when I walk on the street with someone, I keep them on my left to hear them better. Or if I arrive at a busy restaurant for a client lunch and everyone is already seated, I might ask if I could have a certain seat at the table to hear better.

I often must explain why I am dancing around every street corner to keep that person on my left, or why it is I want your seat. When I share why something extraordinary happens essentially every time – that person draws closer to me. I have found so many times that even in a situation where someone is rather cold, if this comes up it totally changes the dynamic. I am suddenly more fully human, and I have been struck many times by how someone who a moment ago was rather cold and distant is now suddenly telling me something intimate about themselves or a loved one. 

You Don't Need a Dramatic Story to Use This Skill

Making yourself vulnerable does not have to be about something as heavy as a brain tumor. It could mean arriving a few minutes late for a meeting because there was a sudden downpour and you didn’t have your umbrella and your feet are soaking wet; it could be relating to the challenges of dealing with your teenage child. The point is to share something about yourself, to lower your business armor, and showcase your humanity.

People tend to respond to things in-kind. I share, and then you share. Me you same same. This method of connectivity isn’t a gimmick or some kind of ruse that spies employ to dupe someone. It is a powerful way to forge a genuine and powerful connection with just about anyone. 

Want Jeremy to share this and other spy-tested techniques with your team? Contact him here to book a keynote or training session.